today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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