I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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