i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
