if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
