Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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