wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm having to shit out rocks
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