She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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