Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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