"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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