My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
