I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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