did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
