Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
