a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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