the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
