Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
