Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize