my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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