the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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