So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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