The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize