I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
