There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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