now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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