im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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