But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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