just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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