So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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