Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
