The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
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