Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
