Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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