Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
