They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
