Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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