I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
