dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize