Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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