i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
