no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
