When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
