Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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