My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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