On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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