Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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