The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize