Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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