i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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