Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
