just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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