just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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