News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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