I cannot find my penis.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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