He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
