Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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